(RETRO GAME SHOW MUSIC)
Captions by Tom Clarke
Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air
www Copyright Able 2024
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Kia ora e hoa ma see you again waiting right here in the studio
I haven't seen the sun once, but I have read the dictionary back to back 47 times,
and I'm as ready as I'll ever be to bring you another exciting season
of Guy Montgomery's Guy Mont-Spelling Bee (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Tonight on the show — four comedians will battle
against the merciless syllables of the English language,
spelling words correctly — and let's face it, incorrectly (LAUGHTER)
all in the hopes of winning this — a big bit of card that grants them
direct passage to do it all again in next week's episode! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And while someone spells their way to success, someone else will spell their way into hell
Tonight's loser must hang their head in shame and trudge to the corner,
where they'll need to lift their head back up so they can don it with the dunces' hats
(SAD TROMBONE)
I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, but luckily my worst enemy, Hitler,
isn't here (LAUGHTER)
and I'm only too happy to wish it on any of our contestants
Speaking of which, let's find out who exactly is competing tonight
Please welcome Kura Turuwhenua! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Tom Sainsbury! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Nina Oyama! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And the defending champ from last season, it's Dai Henwood! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
What a cast, what a feeling Now let's get spelling!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I've decided not to ruffle too many feathers in our return episode
by focusing our very first round very specifically on spelling
How difficult that spelling is, why, that's up to you, the spellers — not you at home
Nothing you do at home will impact this show, but please keep watching (LAUGHTER)
In front of me, I have what might seem like a normal-looking cup,
purse and bucket However, they are anything but
In fact, these receptacles are chockablock with kupu, or words
Words in the Coward's Cup are embarrassingly easy to spell
and worth a solitary point for the coward who picks them
Words within the Person's Purse are words worthy of a regular person,
and are therefore worth two points, a regular number (LAUGHTER)
The Bucket of Bravery contains words worth three points, and they are super easy to spell,
assuming you are the smartest person alive Fate is in your hands
And our first speller won Best Newcomer at the last New Zealand International Comedy Festival
It's Kura Turuwhenua!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Kura, as the youngest member of our line-up tonight,
you probably had to spell a word in public most recently
Do you think this gives you an advantage? - I hope so
- How are you feeling about it? - I'm feeling competitive
I'm trying to retain the humility that, like, hundreds of generations
of Maori people have tried to instil into me (LAUGHTER)
but all it takes is one generation to undo all of that
- Well, it's a pleasure to have you with us
Which receptacle would you like to spell from?
- I think I'm gonna do the Person's Purse - A sensible choice for a person
And your word is
'accommodate' - (SIGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
- What? - It's easy
- Oh, wow
(LAUGHTER)
before we've even met her You gotta love it
'Accommodate' you in your journey, Kura,
you can ask for a language of origin, a definition and a sentence
- What's the language of origin? - Novotel (LAUGHTER)
- (LAUGHS) - Pretty good culture
Can I please hear that
used in a sentence? - (CLEARS THROAT)
GOOFY VOICE: Yes, we'd be glad to accommodate you at the haunted hotel
Check out is
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah to give that one some context
It's a little character I'm working on called Mr Stefanski,
uh, from my new screenplay, The Haunted Hotel,
and I've been pretty nervous about sharing it, so thanks for the opportunity
- I'm just gonna go for it, eh
- That is
incorrect
'Accommodate' is spelled
That dastardly double M, doing its dastardly business (LAUGHTER)
Next up — you know him for his characters online,
but tonight he'll be taking on the most challenging role of all — himself
- Hi! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Tom - Hi
- is Facebook-using boomers - Yes
- You must have seen some horrific spelling in your comments then (LAUGHTER)
- Yes, I have, yeah Pregma— Pre (LAUGHTER)
- Pregmant - Yeah
- What's that? - It's like the wrong spelling of 'pregnant'
- Oh, that's a comment— (LAUGHTER)
That's a comment that's coming up often? - Yeah, it is
'Wow, he looks pregmant (LAUGHTER)
- And are you a confident speller?
- I thought I was, but I thought, 'accommodate', I would have done it exactly the same
So I know what I'm gonna go for when it comes to the container
- Which container is that? - Can I go for the Coward's Cup?
- Very well (AUDIENCE GROAN)
- I know, sorry guys to get one point on the board (LAUGHTER)
- Your word from the Coward's Cup is 'puku'
- Can I have the
- Nothing spells the sound of summer more than hearing the kids yell,
'Nice puku,' as I parade around the beach in my signature crop top (LAUGHTER)
- That is relatable content
Can I have the definition? - LAUGHS: Where I keep my beers
(LAUGHTER) - OK, I'm gonna go for it
- That is correct - I got a point, I got a point! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I got a point - Well done, Tom
Our third speller is a star of Taskmaster Australia and Amazon Prime's Deadloch
Now making her debut on a proper TV show, it's Nina Oyama!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Nina, you have immediately carved out a challenging role for yourself
in this episode as what I would describe as a villain (LAUGHTER)
- Ohh
- Australians certainly show a lack of respect for the spoken word - (LAUGHS)
- Are you at least spelling them correctly before you mangle the vowels into oblivion?
- I like to think that I will - Are you a strong speller?
- No, but I'm hopeful and I'm valiant (LAUGHTER)
But I did drop out of high school, so this is my comeback tour, you know
- And you left because you were sick and tired of it?
- Yeah, I was just too cool, you know - Were you?
I just knew too many words, and I was like, '(MUMBLES)
No, it's because I had depression (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
- Oh, wow (LAUGHTER)
Yeah, depression is hilarious The crowd's right, um (LAUGHTER)
Well, Nina, which receptacle would you like to spill from?
- Um, I think I want to mix it up and go for the Bucket of Bravery (CROWD GASP)
- Oh, my word - Just to see - What a move
Well, let's see how you do with your word from the Bucket of Bravery
It is 'milquetoast'
- Oh - Yeah
- What
- Bland or insipid, like Guy Montgomery's lovemaking
Well, that's the last time I let your mum write the definition (LAUGHTER)
- I actually think she did a very good job
Thanks, Mum
- Also hello to your mum
(LAUGHTER)
- What is the country of origin?
- The language of origin — not food
OK it in a sentence?
- The milquetoast chef prepared an uninspiring dinner of milk and toast
(LAUGHTER)
- That is correct!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- What?
- Absolutely remarkable - Guy Montgomery's mum, I'm coming for you now
- She's actually in the audience (LAUGHTER)
- Um, hello— - Please don't (BLEEP) my mum (LAUGHTER)
Congratulations, Nina
And finally, the undisputed spelling bee champion of the show —
it's Dai Henwood
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Dai, you've been the king for over a year now
Does the spelling crown weigh heavy on your head?
- It certainly does have come for it, but I'm confident
I've been consuming mushrooms every day
I'm talking lion's mane cordyceps, which are good for your brain function
It's actually— I had a massive fear of suitcases before I started taking these mushrooms
Now I'm fine with them - I feel like you've taken too many mushrooms before you got here
Because I've got no idea what you're talking about (LAUGHTER)
- Well, it's an absolute pleasure to have you back would you like to spell from?
- Can you please give me a number between 10 and 20?
- I don't do numbers (LAUGHTER)
- Can you give me a number between 10 and 20? - 12
- Oh, damn The Person's Purse it is then
- All right The Person's Purse it is
- Did you just, like, do a magic trick on me?
- Yeah, they call me David Bain— Blaine (LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
David Blaine
- Wow
- OK, from the Person's Purse, your word is
'lieutenant'
- Oh, here we go - Damn
- Can I hear it in a sentence?
- Not only did Lieutenant Sanders hold an inferior position in the army to his brother, the Colonel,
but his chicken also tasted awful (LAUGHTER)
A little story in there - I like that
And definition, please
- A high-ranking army officer or someone you rent out your toilet to
(LAUGHTER)
- Let's just get into it, eh?
That was - Oh no, that's not it
- Yeah, that was a disaster (LAUGHTER)
Lieutenant is spelled
- You're correct You're so correct - I'll take the points
And with our first round completed, let's take a look at the scores
We've got Nina out in front with three points
And before we take a break, we're gonna showcase an exciting new round — the acrostic round
And what is the acrostic round, you ask
Why, it's a clever round of spelling things interestingly and creatively
(RETRO GAME SHOW MUSIC)
Acrostic poems — the second-best form of poems after rhyming poems
In this round, I will give you a word, which you must spell correctly in the form of an acrostic poem
In the likely event that more than one of you spell it correctly, the best poem will win
Does that make sense? - ALL: Yes
- All right, well, your word is 'limerick'
Limerick is the word for the acrostic poems
Spellers, poem pens at the ready Everyone else, do whatever you want
We'll be back with four poems and a bunch more spelling when Guy Mont's Spelling Bee returns!
(RETRO GAME SHOW MUSIC)
(BEE BUZZES)
(RETRO GAME SHOW MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Hoki mai Montgomery's Guy Mont-Spelling Bee
As always, we couldn't make this show without our sponsors
And tonight's episode is brought to you by Penguin,
not the book company, just a generous penguin who recently came into a large sum of money
after inheriting his father's potato chip company (LAUGHTER)
Thank you, Penguin
(GLASS SHATTERS)
When we left, I challenged our four spellers to spell the word 'limerick' in the form of an acrostic poem
Let's see how they did, starting with Kura
- (GROANS) (LAUGHTER)
- That's a confident sound - I really regret that thing I said about humility at the start
- Oh pretty humble so far (LAUGHTER)
- Mine is —
lately I might
maybe enjoy reading
in central Kaitaia
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - Ah
That's good
- You've done a little illustration Can you walk us through that?
- Um, yeah, it's a picture of— That's me reading a book that says The History of Aotearoa,
and I've got a sad face (LAUGHTER)
- It does look like it's making you pretty sad
Uh, Tom, on to you
- Here we go
Look, I'm mostly excellent re — spelling
I want you to c-not k-judge me too harshly, New Zealand
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Yeah, who knew that 'not' had a silent C in front of it? (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah, not me creative at the tail end there - Yeah
- OK What have you— Whoa written a book
- Yeah for my sins at school
'Um, listen, I'm making everyone really interested
'in my cool kitten limerick
That's all one line after the K ends
'There once was a kitten called Guy
'He used to jump really, really high
'He jumped off the trampoline so high
'he was never seen
'This means he probably died Oh, my
- Holy moly - Oh, my
- So you've written the acrostic poem, and you've contained a limerick inside of the acrostic poem
Teacher's pet much - Yes (LAUGHTER)
And on to Dai - Here is my, uh, poem —
Leon immersively meditates
every time Ronald inserts
caesarean 'krumpets'
(LAUGHTER) - Wow
(LAUGHTER)
- It is a metaphor, Guy
- For? - For life, really - Yeah
- Because you're never expecting things to have to come apart,
but sometimes, they come apart in a way you don't want to,
yet the next generation is born through that — and who doesn't like a crumpet?
- Wow (LAUGHTER)
- I think you might be doing too many mushrooms (LAUGHTER)
Congratulations on all your poems
Kura, I'm sorry to say that you put the missing M from 'accommodate'
into 'limerick' - Yes - (LAUGHS)
- Having a lot of trouble with your Ms this evening
It's OK There's a long show in front of us
Tom, Nina and Dai, you all spelled 'limerick' correctly
And I gotta say, you know, I callled you teacher's pet, but it's working —
a limerick inside of an acrostic poem about limerick
Congratulations, Nina (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Well done, Nina to bestow a gift upon you
Huh? (LAUGHTER)
And speaking of gifts, boy oh boy, does it feel like Christmas
(RETRO GAME SHOW MUSIC)
It's time to play The Gift of Spelling
To help us out, please welcome back the spirit of spelling and Christmas himself —
it's Sanjay Patel!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I don't know what day they're putting this episode on TV,
but I'm going to roll the dice and assume it's Christmas Day,
in which case, meri Kirihimete one and all — and especially to Sanjay
Season's greetings - Uh, ding dong merrily on Hi there, Guy
(LAUGHTER) - In a festive mood, I see
- Not really being so close to this tree
- You know that's a fake tree, right?
- I'm allergic to bullshit (LAUGHTER)
- It's great to have you back with us, Sanjay
This round works a lot like the classic office Christmas party game, Snatchy Santa
And to anyone who has never had a job, which is most of our panel, I'll explain how it works
You will each receive a taonga, or gift, from under the spelling tree, with Dai choosing first
Sanjay will then hand-deliver your gift, and you get to experience the pure joy of opening a brand-new toy
However, there will be no spelling immediately after this
In fact, Dai will just stand there like a gormless idiot while Nina makes her choice
That choice is whether to open a fresh prison or steal Dai's already opened gift
If she steals Dai's gift, Dai will then get to open a fresh present, and on and on it goes
Once you all have a gift, I will assign you each a word to spell
Dai, you're first
Take it away
- Can I please
have the green box
with the green and red ribbon?
- Green box?
- Are you out of your mind, Sanjay? There's a pretty green box (LAUGHTER)
- This one? - Are you just discovering you're colour-blind?
- I don't like to talk about my colour blindness thing, yeah
- All right, sorry for bringing it up, man (LAUGHTER)
- Thank you, Sanjay And as it is summer,
do you have any good hike recommendations? (LAUGHTER)
- Mt Everest, I think (LAUGHTER)
- Please be Optimus Prime
(LAUGHTER)
Oh
Ohh - What've you got there, my friend? - I have a very weighty train
- OK Do you want what Dai has or something new?
- Can I have something new, please? - Yeah, talk to Sanjay He's your guy
- Hey, Sanjay - Hello
- Can I please have the box that's got mistletoe on it with a silver bow?
- Cool colour, cos I'm colour-blind, so (LAUGHTER)
- Cool - Yes - OK, cool
Sorry, I wasn't listening to the instructions
- That's a bold strategy (LAUGHTER)
- Oh, it's a
it's one of these - TOM: Furby
- A Furby - Undeniably one of those (LAUGHTER)
Are you familiar with the toy? - I think I had one
- Oh - Yeah - Made an impact (!)
- I can't remember a lot of my childhood, um (LAUGHTER)
- You don't remember me sneaking out of the house early in the morning? (CHEERING, APPLAUSE, LAUGHTER)
We're gonna stop that thread
Tom, it's your choice
- Sanjay, my beautiful little Christmas elf,
do you think I could get the biggest box left? - No, that sounds good to me, uh
- Not a single thief among us so far
- Thank you so much, gorgeous - You're welcome - Aww
Here we go
Oh, boy - (GASPS)
- Oh, yes (AUDIENCE EXCLAIM)
What?
- Wheel shoes (LAUGHTER)
- Can you ride those things? - No, but nor can my feet fit in these
I mean, look how little they look - They are a small size
You've got a very keen eye for foot size - I do, yeah,
especially when you're, you know, size-13 feet
- You've got size-13 feet? - I know
- You know what they say about big feet - I know
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
(MOUTHS)
Sorry (LAUGHTER)
I hope that's cut out (LAUGHTER)
A pretty big laugh, even an applause break (LAUGHTER)
All right, we'll move on from Tom and his tiny little penis to
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
Kura
You're last up to engage with the spirit of the Snatchy Santa game so far
Uh, would you like to take any of these things, or find out what's in the last remaining box?
- Um, can I take the little demon thing? - Absolutely, you can
- What, you mean Dai?
(LAUGHTER)
- Yeah
So now, Nina, you can choose to steal from either Tom or Dai, or open the last remaining gift
- Ooh, I think I wanna steal from Tom - (GASPS) No
- That's right all you have a little penis for no reason
- For no good reason (LAUGHTER)
- Well, Tom, you can either take Dai's train, which I think would be quite satisfying,
or you can open the last remaining box
- I'm gonna grab the last remaining box - OK
- Are you sure? This is quite a large front caboose (LAUGHTER)
- Thank you, Sanjay - You're welcome
- Bringing the— Oh, this one's a lot lighter
(GASPS) Oh, what?
(LAUGHTER)
A pterodactyl, if you will
- All right, presents have been chosen, stolen and assigned — no exchange card
Let's find out what you're all spelling, and we are going to start
- (GASPS, SIGHS) (LAUGHTER)
- Yeah of strategy to the game (LAUGHTER)
We're gonna start with Dai
Choo-choo! Looks like Santa's brought you a train
You may know the train is a locomotive,
but you may not know that the first steam-powered locomotive was built in Shropshire, England
Your word is 'Shropshire' (LAUGHTER)
You can ask for a language of origin, a definition, and to hear the word in a sentence
- What is the language of origin?
- SILLY ENGLISH ACCENT: Old Blighty (LAUGHTER)
- Could I have 'Shropshire' in a sentence?
- Oh, yep
(LAUGHTER)
They ask if I'm from Birmingham I say no Shropshire through and through
Cheshire to the north, Staffordshire to the east (LAUGHTER)
Herefordshire to the south Me? I'm from Shropshire way (LAUGHTER)
Shropshire (LAUGHTER)
- OK Shropshire —
- That is incorrect Shropshire is spelt
You were in the neighbourhood
I'm sorry for your loss, Dai, but the train is all yours
Nina the thinking man's shoes (LAUGHTER)
And what is that man thinking? 'I wish these shoes went faster (LAUGHTER)
But I think the one thing we can all agree on is that when we see a pair of roller skates,
we think, 'Wow, centripetal force in action
- So my word is 'wow'
- Your word is 'centripetal'
- Centripetal - Centripetal
- And can you use it in a sentence?
- Looking good, Gary coordination and the centripetal force of those skates,
your days of being bullied at high school are surely about to be a thing of the past
(LAUGHTER) - OK
- That is incorrect Centripetal is spelled
- Oh cos I was winning (LAUGHTER)
Yeah, it's good to give everyone else a chance
- You just give and you give and you give
I reckon if you'd spent another year in school, you could have got it
OK - Ah!
- Moving on now to Tom
Squawk, squawk! (LAUGHTER)
You must have been a good boy this year, because you've got yourself a pterodactyl,
known in my circles as the Pterodactyls antiquus
This flying carnivore (LAUGHTER)
lived in the Tithonian stage of the late Jurassic period (LAUGHTER)
SARCASTICALLY: 'Well, that's according to fossil remains
'found in the Solnhofen Limestone of Bavaria, Germany (LAUGHTER)
Anyway, I don't need to tell you stuff you already know Your word is 'dinosaur'
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- That is correct!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- SINGS: There it is, there it is
- All right And we are left with Kura
Wowza! You have scored yourself the hottest Christmas present of the late '90s and early 2000s
For legal purposes, I'll avoid saying the brand name on television,
but let's just say it's a portmanteau of 'fur' and 'baby'
These bad boys are famously powered by animatronic technology
'Animatronic', of course, being a portmanteau of 'animation' and 'electronic'
I think it goes without saying that your word is 'portmanteau' (LAUGHTER)
- You got this, Kura - (SIGHS)
OK
- NINA: It's not going to tell you (LAUGHTER)
- Nah, I can hear it (LAUGHTER)
What is the definition?
- A seamless way of blending two words into one, such as brunch, spork, and Mont-Spelling Bee!
(LAUGHTER)
- Can I hear it in a sentence?
- Funnily enough, portmanteau is a French word favoured by English teachers
And to those English teachers I say stay in your lane!
(LAUGHTER)
- Portmanteau
Um
- That is correct!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
A holly, jolly round indeed
Nina's is out in front, and a big thanks to my little helper,
Father Sanjay (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
We need to take the tree down and exchange these gifts for something that contestants actually want
We'll do that, you do you, and we'll see you soon for more spelling!
(RETRO GAME SHOW MUSIC)
(BEE BUZZES)
(RETRO GAME SHOW MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back like me, you'll be sitting at home
thinking the whole world is going to hell in a handbasket How do we let it get so bad?
We've got weather events, political unrest and crime rates through the roof
The cause of all these problems is a lack of respect for the written word
(RETRO GAME SHOW MUSIC)
Spell The Crime, Do The Time
For this round, we spent $50 million on a state-of-the-art, high-security prison
capable of housing up to four of the most hardened spelling criminals,
and guarded by the brave Officer Sanjay!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Hi, Sanjay - Oh yeah, what's all this then? (LAUGHTER)
- A very good question
In this round, I will go down the line with a list of crime-related words
And one at a time, you will be asked to spell them
If you spell the word correctly, you get a point;
get it wrong, Officer Sanjay will take you straight to prison for the rest of the round,
where there'll be no more spelling for you
The round ends when all of our spellers are in jail
There will be none of your namby-pamby definitions of sentences in this round
You either spell the word straight away or you go to jail
And for anyone worried about their safety,
rest assured that we have fitted Officer Sanjay with a body cam
Anyway (LAUGHTER)
you're a good cop, aren't you, Sanjay?
- Yes, and this is my last day on the force, so I'm hoping nothing goes wrong,
and then I can go back to my wife and kids (LAUGHTER)
- Thank you, Sanjay
Let's get into it And we'll start with Kura
Your word is 'fraud'
- Uh - You spell the word 'fraud' (LAUGHTER)
- Sorry getting accused of something (LAUGHTER)
- Correct! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Tom — arson
- Correct! - (SIGHS) (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Murder
- Correct! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Dai, your word is 'theft'
- Why can I not spell 'theft'? Th
Theft (LAUGHTER)
Oh my God
- I think these are our easiest words
- Yeah, I know, but now I'm massively overthinking it
- Correct! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Your word is 'phishing', the internet crime
- Oh
- Correct (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Fishing, as in undersized
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
- Correct!
Extortion
Correct
- Correct!
David Bain (LAUGHTER)
- Oh my God to spell (LAUGHS) his name
This is way out of my generation
- He's always in the news (LAUGHTER)
- That is incorrect
(SIREN WAILS) Officer Sanjay's coming for ya
- This feels inappropriate (LAUGHTER)
- Come with me, son - Santa, what happened? (LAUGHTER)
- Well, truly, you hate to see it
Your word is 'allegedly'
(LAUGHTER)
- Allegably
(SIREN WAILS) allegedly, you said
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- That was going so well
(LAUGHTER)
- I'm ashamed of myself
- It actually looks more fun in there than it does out here
- All right, we work really hard on the show, Nina
Your word is 'misdemeanour'
- That is incorrect - Oh!
(SIREN WAILS) - Misdemeanour is spelled
- No, it's OK, it's OK, it's OK
- SANJAY: Well, our prison needs fresh meat (LAUGHTER)
- Oh, a toilet! - Yeah, go for it (LAUGHTER)
- KURA: Go for it, man
- Dai, you could go on a run here - (GIGGLES MENACINGLY) - (LAUGHS)
(LAUGHTER)
- (CACKLES)
OK, I'm losing oxygen
- Malfeasance - Indeed (LAUGHTER)
I've got no idea
(LAUGHTER)
- It feels like some spellers are taking the piss
- You'll never take me alive! (SIREN WAILS)
- Watch out, Sanjay He's got a Vivid
- Actually, yeah, you can take me alive - Yeah
- Malfeasance is spelled
We have all of these guys in jail (CELL DOOR RATTLES)
Look at all these ill-disciplined, ill-informed reprobates
Well, it's gonna take at least three minutes for Sanjay to figure out which key unlocks that door
We'll see you shortly, hopefully with four free contestants!
(RETRO GAME SHOW MUSIC)
(BEE BUZZES)
(RETRO GAME SHOW MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Welcome back enjoying watching ads, but I have to interrupt your shopping spree
so we can recommence our spelling bee (LAUGHTER)
Our spellers are back at their podiums
And as if these poor bastards haven't been through enough already,
we're about to put them through their spelling paces with the world-famous,
much-maligned, borderline-unconquerable Homophones round
(RETRO GAME SHOW MUSIC)
While the other rounds are irritating, I like to think this round is the most irritating
I'll give each of you a homophone, a word which has more than one spelling and meaning
Your job will be to correctly spell that homophone
That obviously sounds really unfair, so if you need a hand,
I can sweeten the deal by providing a very helpful sentence
Dai, you're in last place, so we'll start with you - Thank you
- Your word
is pray
- Can I get that in a sentence?
- You ever see an antelope hiding from a lion in a church with its two front hooves together?
You've just watched some prey pray (LAUGHTER)
- Do I spell both? - Well, you're gonna spell one
- One? Oh, one of them? - Yeah, yeah
So the challenge is (LAUGHTER)
- -
- It's designed to be irritating (LAUGHTER)
- Um, well, it's
- That is correct!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
You spelled 'pray' — a way of communicating with God, like what priests do,
as opposed to 'prey' — a weak and vulnerable creature targeted by a predator,
kind of like what priests do
(LAUGHTER)
In third place right now, we have Kura
And your word
is peek
- (SIGHS) Can I hear it in a sentence?
- As an aspiring mountaineer, if I get a peek of a peak, well, that's bound to pique my interest
(LAUGHTER, GROANING)
Yeah, that's three
(LAUGHTER)
- Pique my interest
- Well, that is one way of spelling one of the piques — to arouse curiosity,
like when a question makes you horny
I was looking for peek (SPELLS 'PEEK') —
to have a little look, like we just had at your soul (LAUGHTER)
Anyway, I'm sorry, Kura, that is incorrect
And in second, we have Tom, and your word is 'heal'
- Oh, could I have that in a sentence, please, Mr Montgomery?
- When we saw the huge blister on the bottom of Apostle Bartholomew's foot,
we all thought he was a goner, until Jesus came into the room and we realised,
'Oh, he'll heal that heel (LAUGHTER)
- That is incorrect - Oh, dash it
- You spelled 'heal' — to recover, something you'll need to do after this show
I was looking for he'll (SPELLS "HE'LL") —
a contraction of 'he' and 'will' (LAUGHTER)
as in — he'll be coming around the mountain when he comes —
the original lyrics before the woke brigade made them change it a woman (LAUGHTER)
OK, Nina, you're last You're currently leading - Yeah
and your word is 'I'
- I
Can I have it in a sentence?
- When I asked the Scottish man if he could see the three-toed sloth, he said,
'Aye, I eye an aye
(LAUGHTER)
- Is that four options? - That is four
- Wait
'aye' as in, like, 'Aye, aye, Captain',
and 'eye' for an eye
What's the other one?
- A three-toed sloth
It was in the sentence
- Oh, yeah, sorry (!) - It's what the Scottish man saw to prompt that sentence
- Um, I'm gonna go with
I, as in 'me'
The letter 'I', please, Mr Guy Montgomery
- That is correct! - Oh!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
I, as in 'me',
or in your case, you
Well done, Nina Thank you, contestants
GOOFY VOICE: Thanks, Guy (LAUGHTER)
And to anyone asking if I'm this annoying when the cameras aren't rolling,
it's impossible for me to say Sadly, I've never gotten to hang out with me one on one
Speaking of our cameras, they're getting tired and need a rest
We'll see you soon with more Spelling Bee!
(RETRO GAME SHOW MUSIC)
(BEE BUZZES)
(RETRO GAME SHOW MUSIC)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Hoki mai ano to the Guy Mont-Spelling Bee
With just the Buzz Round in front of us, our first episode of the season is almost over
Who will win? Who will lose? Who will we forget as they shoot right down the middle
of the spelling road with a mediocre outing? Only time will tell So let's get buzzing
(RETRO GAME SHOW MUSIC)
It's the Buzz Round a big buzzer in front of you Press it, and it makes a buzz
No show has done it before No show will do it again (LAUGHTER)
In this quick-fire round, I'll read out words pertaining to a particular topic
Think you know it? Buzz on in, baby, and you can get a point for spelling it correctly
Get it wrong, You get negative-one point, one of the lowest numbers I know
On to one of the highest numbers I know — four topics to choose from
And, Kura, seeing as you are currently losing, the choice is yours
Would you like music, technology,
geography or fashion?
- (GROANS)
Can we do
- We can — an A-plus choice from a C-minus speller (LAUGHTER)
Technology it is We will start when I start,
and we stop when the spelling gods tell us to stop
Now, in the great words of Guy Montgomery, let's get spelling
iPad
Tom
- Correct
Augmented reality
Kura
- Correct
Kura
- Correct (LAUGHTER)
Telecommunication
Nina
- Incorrect
Metaverse
Go ahead, Dai
(LAUGHTER)
- Correct
Go ahead, Dai
- The only one here probably remembers Netscape Navigator (LAUGHTER)
- Correct
Go ahead, Kura
- Correct
- Go ahead, Dai
- Correct
Go ahead, Nina
- Correct
Go ahead, Dai
- Correct
Go ahead, Tom
- Correct
Go ahead, Dai
- Correct
Go ahead, Kura
- Correct
Nina (LAUGHTER)
- No!
- Correct
Go ahead, Dai
- Fisher & Paykel? (LAUGHTER)
- Incorrect - What?
- Elon Musk
Go ahead, Tom
- Correct
Go ahead, Dai
- Correct (LAUGHTER)
Winklevoss twins
Go ahead, Nina
- Correct
Go ahead, Dai - DEEP VOICE: Stop spelling!
- You have the opportunity to spell
- That is correct the buzz round, we have a tie for the first time ever,
which means we're gonna to have to do a tie-break
Nina and Dai, you are both on nine points on my list
The first to spell one correctly,
or alternatively, the first to spell one incorrectly and lose a point, will lose
Sudden death
Liability insurance
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
(WHOOPING)
- I still want to win! (LAUGHTER)
- I'll give that up Sorry
- Understandably, We're gonna go again
QWERTY
Go ahead, Nina
That is correct!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
That's enough spelling for today And look at those juicy scores
Congratulations, with a nail-biter, it's Nina Oyama! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
You conquered the English language and no doubt some personal demons along the way
For your troubles, a ticket to next week's episode! (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
And a round of applause for my assistant, Sanjay Patel (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
But let us not forget that someone — or in this case, some people — also lost
It might be tough to take in, but remember that your demise makes us all feel better about ourselves
My commiserations to Tom and Kura Please make your collective way to the dunces' corner
Gentle clap (AUDIENCE CLAPS SOFTLY)
A little more (CLAPPING LOUDENS)
Not too much (LAUGHTER)
(SAD TROMBONE) - Oh!
- It's actually kind of sweet (APPLAUSE)
That's it for our first episode back We've got at least seven more of these in the bank
So come back next week, when Nina Oyama will take on the might
of Pax Assadi, Justine Smith and Robbie Nicol
For now, you can call me Shepherd's Pie Montgomery,
because I gotta get out of here and have some dinner Po marie!
(BANG!)
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Captions were made with the support of NZ On Air
www Copyright Able 2024